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7 not so obvious reasons why you probably are a people-pleaser

Updated: Oct 14, 2021

As you know we like to host conversations in our communities about topics that matter and this time we decided to delve deeper into the topic of people-pleasing and the 7 not so obvious reasons why you ARE a people-pleaser.

We asked: Would you consider yourself a people pleaser? Think about it for a moment. Think deeply about all your relationships: romantic, family, professional, friendships...

Here are the traits of people-pleasing:

  • you feel led to agree with people

  • you feel responsible for other people’s feelings

  • you apologize even when you don’t want to or don’t think you’re in the wrong

  • you feel the need to keep the peace you don’t say no every time you want to

  • you adapt your personality to the people around you

  • you don’t admit when you’re offended or hurt you avoid confrontation

  • you over-explain to get your point across

Now, would you consider yourself a people pleaser? or would you say you have some people-pleasing traits? how do we overcome them?

Here are some of our top contributions from the emotional discussion:

women of colour, holistic living, spiritual black women, retreats for women, wellness retreat, engagement groups for women of colour, DM groups for women, sisterhood, empowering women, black lives matter.
@itsjessglam on Instagram. An active member of our engagement DM groups on Instagram.


I def would say I am a people pleaser and it’s directly affected to my childhood trauma. Funny, this is a topic that I have talked to my therapist about often and it’s provided me some clarity and the first steps of healing my inner child.

Growing up I was lead to believe what I did was not good enough or I wasn’t good enough. You truly believe that to your core when someone close like your mother, someone who’s supposed to protect, support, and love you says these things to you daily. I am always apologizing for being me and I am always making sure other people are ok before I check for self. Over the years I had to learn to create boundaries and stick to those boundaries even though I may default to my old ways. Now I have a better sense of self.


Thanks for sharing Jessica! Yes, we find it hard to understand how the people who are there to protect and build us up are sometimes the same people who bring us down. Over the years I have learned to look at those people with a lot more compassion. I sometimes try to ask myself if when they were growing up someone was there for them... Unfortunately, we do as we thought and it takes a lot of work to change our ways. It’s a healing journey that only a few of us have the privilege to go through. You ARE valid, you ARE enough. People’s inability to recognize has nothing to do with you, and everything to with them.

women of colour, holistic living, spiritual black women, retreats for women, wellness retreat, engagement groups for women of colour, DM groups for women, sisterhood, empowering women, black lives matter.
@danielle_peteet, another lovely member of our Intagram DM engagement groups


Growing up in a family where it was expected that I be seen and not heard and that I cater to everyone's request, made me a people pleaser. For a long time, I struggled with being combative and catering to others. I wanted to speak up but didn't want to offend anyone. I'm proud to say I'm a recovered PP, who has learned to lovingly speak her truth.


That's awesome! Wow! That’s amazing that you were able to recognize that and understand how this was hurting you. We pray for the same outcome for all the members of the tribe. How were you able to overcome it, can you share any tips?


I started reading self-help books when I was a kid (my grandfather had them). And I started to recognize that I needed to change things. My tips for getting through crying, spending time alone, meditating, journaling, and having a therapist or friend you can open up to. ❤


Thanks, Danielle for sharing that's such good advice. I love that the first tip was to cry. To just cry. Recently we posted all about rest (this turned out to be a popular post - check it out on our IG). We discovered and shared that there is different types of rest including mental rest and emotional rest. And we feel like crying is a great form or rest which can help you to eliminate bad energy and build yourself up in so many ways. (More on that later!)

So, would you consider yourself a people pleaser? Send us an email or message on IG for a chat!

Self-love is everything. If you don’t have it you’re headed for destruction in many different ways in your life if you haven’t already faced it. Please send us a DM if you feel like you need to develop self-love in your life. We have support groups online and a whole entire upcoming retreat to Ghana-based solely around it. Watch our founder @rosemary.dede's speech at the Black Female Achievers event to see for yourself how invested we are in developing self-love in our community.

Would you like to join our Facebook group? Filled with talented like-minded WOC around the world. Every two weeks we discuss holistic wellness practices and life experiences to improve our bodies minds and souls. We are a sisterhood that supports and uplifts each other as well as boosting each other’s exposure. Head over to our Facebook group to join us.

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